20 things I learnt in college.

2007-2011

1) Mixing drinks….not a good idea. Shooting drinks in large quantities…not a good idea. Drinking till the club stock is finished….not a good idea. Doing all three on the same night... you get the drift…. I guarantee a visit to the emergency ward, 4 stitches and an adrenaline shot. A quicker one-step method of getting there is entitled 'Angel of Death' and may feature on another article someday.

2) It’s always important to revise your syllabus before an exam. It’s a tad bit more important to revise the schedule.

3) Remember how your guitar teacher used to say ‘practice makes perfect’? Its just another one of those famous misquotations you keep reading about. Its actually “practice does not make you John Petrucci so stop destroying any sense of melody in whoever stays next door”.

4) Don’t ever force a drunk person to lie down. Particularly if he has a pocket knife.

5) Slide tackles are a whole lot fun on the football field. Basketball courts on the other hand…

6) It’s a good idea to buy an alarm clock which recognizes the difference between a.m. and p.m. It’s also a good idea to buy a very powerful alarm clock which has the most annoying wake-up tone and plays it continuously till you manage to hit the snooze button. But the best idea of them all is to make sure you switch this alarm clock off before you leave town for the weekend. Otherwise your neighbors might get just a wee bit upset.

7) Rats can eat everything.

Corollary 1: Never ever must you make the mistake of flushing a rat down a toilet.

8) Twins exist. So don’t beat yourself up over supposed déjà vu moments. Especially if you know one, don’t know about the other, address the sibling and get stumped over with no recognition whatsoever. Further, if you happen to see them both on stage performing one after another, you could end up questioning your sanity for a significant amount of time.

9) If you ever manage to park your car in quicksand, make sure you have 6 Israelis nearby.

10) The rooftop is a great place for a party. Not a great place to pass out after one.

11) If they laugh at you, laugh straight back at them. Unless, of course, they are localites. In that case…you run. You run far far away.

12) If you meet a guy who buys a bottle of dettol every week… run. Chances are we are talking about the same guy.

13) Bangalore is a very nice place to visit. Good pubs, great weather and a lot of KFCs. So, the next time you are at an outlet, make sure that it’s NOT situated in a red light area and you are NOT loitering about in front of one. The police won’t be too pleased.

14) If you are playing a pool tournament against a guy who has his own cue stick, has around 6 of his cronies around and pots the 8 ball on the blind… it’s a good idea to lose that tournament.

15) Try to find a guy with sodexo coupons and make him your best friend. However, that dominos treat is happening just once. Consider this the college equivalent of selling your soul to the devil.

16) If you want to pass your math exam, I recommend throwing a coin at a gujju. Will work wonders. Also…location, location, location.

17) So.. its exam time and you have requests from all the early risers to wake you up when you are done for the night. If you really want to get the job done, force the 'wakee' to think that someone broke in through the bathroom window. Very effective. Very little effort.  Very confused wakee. A person woken up from sleep will pretty much believe anything. Ofcourse.. there are two conditions under which this method must NOT be employed. Condition 1: I.Q.  of the wakee is about a hundred points lower than you. Condition  2 : There is a mirror in the bathroom. Might lead to paranoia, self abuse and a broken mirror.

18) Bars can be very dirty. It is essential to look everywhere you tread your feet because, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself… that was NOT a pool of water you stepped on. Of course, you can’t possibly do anything if the guy behind you happens to excel at reverse peristalsis in projectile motion at 45 degrees.

19) Phasing out of conversations is an art form. The occasional smile and constant nodding can go a long way in retaining your sanity.

20) 

   If you must use gtalk please delete your chat history.

   If you must drop your itch guard, don't stake a claim.

   If you must use chits in class, burn after reading.

   If you must wash your underwear with your roomie, don't mention 

   it. Ever.

   If you must cut yourself, don't use a butter knife.

   If you must mix your vices, make sure you don't fall down on your

   head. Twice.

   If you must go freeballing, it’s a good idea to never play football.

   If you must take a crap after getting drunk, don't do it in a bucket.